Let's begin with the past: Baby 1 Nicolas Dathan

To start, a little about my past.

I miscarried twice the summer of 2006. It was devestating. My husband, Zach, was in the Navy and, for the first one, he was out. I was ten weeks. I was alone, scared, in a lot of pain, curled up on my living room floor in the fetal position sobbing and praying. I'm not sure how long I was there, several hours I'm sure. Eventually, I got up to use the bathroom. To my amazement there was a tiny baby, about the size of my thumb nail, in the toilet. I don't remember much after that. I was in shock. But I made it through the next few weeks alone until my love came home.

Imagine our shock when the very next month I got another positive test! However, history was soon to repeat itself at the six week point.

It then took us six months to become pregnant again. We were over joyed, yet cautious. We hit the twelve week point and breathed a sigh of relief. But that relief was short lived. In the 12th week I had a heavy bleed. We rushed to the emergency room at 1am full of fear and praying out of fear and desperation. To our great relief, the heartbeat was still there. Our baby was still alive! The next morning I was given an ultrasound to learn that there was a very active little peanut still in my tummy but there was a "band" that needed to be checked via level 2 ultrasound.

At 20wks I had my level 2 ultrasound. The baby was a kicker! We learned within seconds that it was a boy! Nicolas Dathan was to be his name. But the good news was fleeting as we were told that our little boy would most likely be born premature and to have a carseat installed immediately. The fear was becoming more ingrained with every appointment. I felt all of my contractions and they were always rhythmatic for hrs at a time. I had false labor often. Every passing week was a celebration that our baby was still cooking!

Finally, at 37wks, two days before Christmas, I started to feel an ache in my back which turned into rythmatic contractions 4 minutes apart. We finally headed out to the hospital only to learn I was 1cm. I felt great but we very shortly found out that my platelet level was dangerously low. I was not allowed to get an epidural and COULD NOT have a c-section, no matter what! To add to this already scary thought was Nicolas' heart was beyond unstable. The doctors eventually decided to break my water in order to speed things up since things were going slow and were becoming more dangerous for my Nicolas by the minute. To everyone's dismay, there was meconium in the amniotic fluid. I saw the air slip deflate from everyone's lungs at once and new something bad had happened. I was then given the most pitocin they could safely give me to force the labor to end as soon as possible. I was trying to keep up with the contractions but they were literally on top of each other and was beginning to hyperventilate. I asked for the only pain relief I could have, a narcotic. I honestly, don't remember much after that. I remember the dr coming back in and being relieved since I had gone from 4cm-8cm in an hour. I also remember the very next contraction gave me the overwhelming urge to push. In three more contractions my precious Nicolas was born. He was taken from us the moment the cord was cut and was not returned for several hours. They had to clear his airways of all meconium and give him the antidote to the narcotic.

Nicolas Dathan was born December 24, 2007. He truely is our Christmas miracle. He was 6lbs 6oz, 19.5ins. We were told more than once that he wasn't going to make it. He is now an active, joyful little boy! And very resiliant! He has kept that quality to this day!

I failed miserably at breastfeeding. I know now that it was a simple latch issue and to this day, kill myself with guilt over not persisting. He, thankfully, took to the bottle beautifully. He never seemed to care who or how he was fed as long as it got done.

This was my first experience in childbirth and so much of it bothers me still. My poor boy was not welcomed gracefully into this world. I feel that because of the way he came into this world we missed out on a very important window for bonding that, I feel, we are still piecing together. This lost time in the first moments after his birth is also what I feel led to the early demise of our nursing relationship. I wanted to avoid pretty much every aspect of this birth with my future children. It was scary and painful. Not the way God intended for childbirth to go. Somehow, deep in my heart, I knew that this was not the way God meant for blessings to enter our life. I had no idea how right I was.